I'd Hate To Be Forever Only Moving Air

On the torment of free time and incremental difference.

Audio intro/ summary above (just a tired voice recorded through clicky headphones)!

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Earlier today my dad and I were having a conversation about being self employed. I was talking about how frustrated I get when no work opportunities are coming in, because to me, the whole point of a creative career path is that I’m allowed to steer it my own way. No one is holding me accountable for changing my mind or impulsive decision making… But at the moment I feel unaccomplished in the wake of this cold weather and free time.

He told me, “what you want to be doing every day is just moving a little bit of air”, and I have always persevered, paying heed to this concept. Even if I don’t get the job, the audition is still the work. Even if it’s cost me to travel to this class, I’ll get something out of it.

I still believe in this glass-half-full standpoint, but I find the more I comfort myself with the statement ‘it’s okay to just be moving air for now’, I lose sight of the super objective (no acting pun intended). To make a brutally sober confession to myself, the things I want to have accomplished in three years time I now fear I would be lucky to accomplish ever. These are likely just the effects of some spiralling scepticism, but I’m always curious if it does me better to listen to the angel or the devil.

I know the answer seems like an obvious one, but really, when you’re in the depth of self doubt and pity, does flipping it on its head and assuring yourself you’ll be where you want to be in a few years make you valiant, or just delusional…? Having a plan is ideal, but life in a creative industry is never linear. I can’t guarantee what I’ll be doing next year, and I can’t guarantee what I’ll be doing tomorrow. There lies the simultaneous lure and curse of it.

Thinking practically, I can’t get by on just ‘moving air’, but more importantly, I can’t and won’t let myself be fulfilled by it. But in the same breath (again no pun intended), moving air is like tranquility before chaos. Moving air could be spending all day and evening at your computer, writing endless emails to potential clients, or going to one huge audition that changes your path completely. I’m trying to convince myself that the ultimate goal is not the work anymore, because let’s be honest, once we really get what we want (whatever it may be: dream job, love, family, cat), that’s just play time.

I watched an interview with Sarah Snook where she explained her mum’s perspective on the acting industry. She saw it that the audition/ preparation is the job, and ‘once you actually get employed, that’s the bonus’. People outside of the industry won’t understand, or even encourage this, because you don’t really get paid to audition, while others are guaranteed a solid wage for a 9-5. But it’s taken me so long to stand tall and have the courage of my convictions when people argue this; I still can’t do it in full confidence now. With all this said, I cannot picture a life spent doing anything else, so I’m trying to be mindful of the fact that maybe the time spent moving air; being bored and irritated, is a gift, and a catalyst. The drive comes from the standstill, maybe, and then I’ll be kicking myself wishing I had time to be bored for a little bit ;)

Much love aliens,