I Do It All When I Shouldn't, & Vice Versa...
Written this morning, in the throes of diffidence.
Haven’t written anything in an eternity, but no time like the present… Which kinda brings me to my title, because I’m currently on the train to a 2 day course that I really should let myself focus on, but while the idea is fresh, I just decided that now would be the best time to write a whole piece on procrastination and neglecting rest and recovery!!
I got ill about 3 months ago and ever since it’s been coming back in little bits and pieces, nothing too bad, but just making me crash occasionally, and then I have to rest for a couple days. Annoyingly I’ve just paid for another monthly subscription for the gym, and was genuinely attending on a regular(ish) basis before I found out what I was battling; when I was told that slow stretches and walks would be much better for me than treadmills and stair masters... I find it odd that my body was so in ‘go’ mode when I’m clearly not supposed to push myself that much yet. Similarly, this week has been the busiest in a while. A lot of waking up at 5:30 and sleeping at 11, which is fine, and actually refreshing since I spend a lot of days inside on my laptop, but isn’t it odd it’s turned out that way?
I wholeheartedly believe everything happens for a reason, even the really awful stuff, which could be a product of my feeble nature; shrugging, letting things brush over instead of putting up a fight. I can’t help but wonder what the universe is trying to tell me when, at the same time I’m being told to rest and wait out my body’s recovery, professional commitments are piling up in the span of a week. I could take it as an opportunity to prove my willingness, or I could take it as a test to how much I care about my health. Or, it means absolutely nothing, which is just as fair a judgement. But funnily enough, the opposite presents itself when, instead of pushing through when it’s most inconvenient, I then am at a standstill when I should be moving. It doesn’t suit my personality type that I keep finding comfort in the rebellion.
It makes me feel out of touch and a little clueless that this can become a recurring motif for me; saying yes to things that serve me no benefit, and fearing, or neglecting what would genuinely be good for me. Though I feel recently like I’m moving out of that position, it’s a daunting epiphany; realising that the gaining of confidence and ridding of anxiety isn’t a linear process. For example: when I was finally able to stand in front of somebody and tell them what I wanted, without apology or fear, my head could’ve touched the ceiling. I was flying. Much to my dismay, an interaction mere days later would prove to me that it wasn’t a case of stress and fears magically vanishing.
With that 1 step forward comes 3 steps back.
But to bring this back to my initial point, and this post’s title, I think there’s a correlation here. I observe as Instagram mutuals fill their time with impressive things, running directly towards the life that they’re planning for themselves, and in a moment of inspiration, think, ‘next time something comes my way, I’m taking it.’ But the next thing that comes my way may actually be a huge disaster, even with every factor thought through, and still, in the face of fear of being nothing, I’ll do it. I’ll take that one off, third rate job opportunity because it’s right there in front of me, and sometimes all it ends up doing is proving to me that it wasn’t what I needed. Evidently, more fear is born - that everything will be like that, when obviously it was only unrepresentative…
So, being choosy isn’t such a bad thing. There should be zero shame in spearheading your career and therefore the opportunities you take, and the same is to be said with the one off situations where they didn’t turn out as you’d hoped. Lessons were still learned. By saying all this I’m only further proving my point that I tend to chalk everything up to ‘for the better’… Oops. But here’s to hoping that the October theory has already hit me, and I’ll start seeing each path clearly for what it is. What to take. What not to take.
Goodnight aliens,
(P.S. I swear I haven’t forgotten fff! There’s one sat in the drafts that I’ll be finishing asap…holding myself accountable!)
(Extra P.S. Find the Gracie Abrams and Olivia Rodrigo references in this post if you dare.)