fff 5. Isabel Paige, 'Everything I Never Told You' and Anything Soup
Something to watch, something to read & something to eat in celebration of the end of my silly fff hiatus. & for over 100 subs!
Though I’m sure no one is holding me accountable given the fff newsletter only began a few months ago, the guilt finally sank in and I am back…
Here’s a brief life update:
My screen time is down, my obsession with country music has been revived, I learnt how to play solitaire, and a beautiful fig tree has stretched out from over the neighbours fence, reminiscent of The Bell Jar (maybe next week’s fiction choice?) I’m also back to ballet next week for the first time in 3 years - we’ll see how that goes…
I’m sat with the lovely Elisabeth who featured in my first digital diary post the other week (check it out here), and emotionally sitting in this weird middle ground where I’m excited for the Christmas holidays, but also feeling a little off. It could be seasonal - an occurrence I’m sure we’re all no stranger to - but I also feel like things are moving and transforming in terms of my personal and work life, and I wish I could discern whether they’re headed in the right or wrong direction. I can’t remember if I mentioned the October theory in my latest post - but whether or not I did, let’s remind ourselves that we don’t need to rush the last month of 2024 along in terms of accomplishments and milestones. Let’s breatheeeee. More on my mystifying fate path in the next aiL post though…
In terms of this week’s newsletter, I bring you what may be my favourite collection yet. We begin talking about visual storyteller, baker, artist and traveller Isabel Paige, who documents her idyllic life in the mountains on her YouTube channel. I’m constantly mesmerised by her ability to make everything by hand, from scratch - from the outdoor dance floor for her wedding, to food and clothes. But what also draws me in is her honesty about the reality of living in the mountains, whether alone, or with her husband/ family. Watching her videos is a glimpse into life outside of the bustling city and all its chaos and haste.
Everything I Never Told You is a gradual unveiling of secrets and emotional turmoil that tells the story of Lydia Lee’s death. It is one of the two Celeste Ng novels I’ve read (the other being Little Fires Everywhere, adapted for Prime TV in 2020). This New York Times Bestseller is a gut wrenching tale of not only the repercussions on the Lee’s family after Lydia’s death, but the build up to it, and what goes on behind closed doors.
‘A profoundly moving story of secrets and longing… both a gripping page-turner and a sensitive family portrait about love, lies and race.’
Lastly, we have a recipe for what I’m christening as ‘Anything Soup’. It started out as a minestrone recipe I made in the autumn with my friend Ellie, and has now morphed into a concoction of whatever vegetables, herbs, spices and pasta are available in my fridge and cupboards. It’s perfect for a post-Sunday-roast-Monday-afternoon-lunch; super warming and cosy, and enough for a few batches.
favourite: Isabel Paige - YouTube
From what I remember, I first discovered Isabel’s YouTube channel when I was still in college (around 16). I would watch her baking and cooking videos and try to recreate the recipes during lockdown… But around 17/18, to me her videos became more than just entertainment, they were a glimpse into life outside of clinical, tiresome city life. I wasn’t spending my days attending a dull 9 to 5, but there are times school feels essentially just like that and without the pay…
I know we encourage young people not to live vicariously through those on the internet who seem to ‘have it all’, because it moves our eyeline from where we stand, and instead we’re looking up at the things we want, not what we already have. But her channel isn’t anything like that of materialistic influencers - each video is put together with the essence of a short film; cinematic and inspiring. And on top of all this, Isabel doesn’t sugar coat her experience of living on her family farm in the mountains of Washington. While she constantly voices her gratitude and appreciation for the life she has, she’ll dedicate videos to the feelings of isolation and insecurity that can come with being separated from community.
As I was peacefully watching her separate dough for long fermented sourdough bagels, I listened intently as she spoke to the exact state I’ve found myself in since the summer has passed:
“There’s this pressure from society, and social media really, that we should be constantly working and constantly productive, and that if we’re not productive all the time, then we aren’t valuable, or adding value to the world. But honestly, the thing that has really changed my life completely is letting go of all of those ideas and slowing down a lot… Especially during this time of year, we should not feel bad for taking more time for ourselves, for resting our bodies and for sleeping more… So this is your sign to really rest, and commit to doing nothing, except maybe make a batch of cookies and watch a movie…”
I often feel so guilty for taking time for myself - it ends up as that weird in between of ‘I didn’t really work today, because I didn’t have anything to do/ couldn’t power through what I needed to do, but I didn’t rest either, because I was so busy stressing about it and trying to make the day productive…’
I know it’s totally easier said than done for some, but watching Isabel go about her life in her cottage, making everything with her hands; nourishing herself not only physically but mentally, reminds me that this was how life was meant to be before nine to fives, degrees and social expectations rolled around. It made me so glad I found her videos when I did, because school-attending Maya was under the impression that life would amount to nothing if she didn’t succeed in her exams. But then suddenly I was watching this woman in her 20s living off of the food she grows on her farm in the mountains, having built her own home… It spoke to me more than watching any other nature-based programme for example, because I saw myself a little in Isabel. I could hear it in her disregard for social normalities (a good thing) - I hated the idea of following everybody else like a sheep, and even though at the time I wouldn’t have had the guts to take my own path anyway, I wasn’t yet out in the world on my own. Now all I need is to save up for a ticket to the mountains and build a little home with many many cats. Let me know if you’re down…
fiction: Everything I Never Told You
At a similar time to discovering Isabel Paige, I was reading ‘Everything I Never Told You’, which might be why I subconsciously paired them together… This novel is profoundly moving, and does touch on some dark subjects: suicide, sexual/physical violence, alcohol abuse, discrimination, etc (so please bare this in mind if you’re hoping to read!)
Lydia, wanting to be the docile, pleasing daughter, keeps a lot of her rebellious, experimental interests secret. Nathan, her brother and the eldest of the three Lee children, is key in relaying Lydia’s past to the reader before her death. He recounts the following:
Nath’s seen Lydia at school, how in the cafeteria she sits silent while the others chatter; how, when they’ve finished copying her homework, she quietly slides her notebook back into her book bag. After school, she walks to the bus alone and settles into the seat beside him in silence.
A heartbreaking detail that made me process the impact of the event of Lydia’s death was not so much the sudden absence of her presence in her family home, but rather how, because there was so little of her personal identity and freedom there in the first place, her family aren’t able to grieve any one idea of her. The mystery of their daughter is one to uncover without her, since she’s already passed. In an odd sense, a big message I took was living unapologetically for all friends and family and acquaintances to see, because how tragic would it be for nobody to know exactly who they’re grieving when you die.
Another big takeaway for me, though not the principal theme, was the effect of friendships and who you associate with. Negative influences, peer pressure, and image. We discover that Lydia’s window-seat phone calls - what we thought was genuine friendship between herself and some old friends from school - is in actual fact routine practice of speaking to a dead line as her family walk by, giving the impression that she’s not so lonely after all. Keeping up this tiring image in front of people as close as family is only the start of her secrecy. She befriends neighbour and fellow classmate Jack in spite of her brother Nathan, as he leaves her for college. Though Jack has a bad reputation, we discover that he has no underlying intentions with Lydia other than to be friends. I read with an empathetic heart as she tries to navigate what people want from her - feeling too much an outcast to fit in with old friends, feeling too unworthy to successfully convince Jack to want something more…
Here’s a more in depth book review for this novel by Slanted Spines once you have completed it, which covers all themes, characters and post-reading thoughts, and their importance.
food: ‘anything’ soup
recipe initially inspired by this one!
choose your ingredients from the below list based on what you have available. starred ingredients are ones I would recommend as an essential base!
stick of celery
softened potatoes, diced
2 carrots, peeled and diced
1 white onion, diced *
3 garlic cloves, crushed/diced *
canned tomatoes (pre-diced or dice yourself) *
dried chilli
paprika
garlic powder
thyme
oregano *
salt and pepper *
mixed beans (kidney, chickpea, butterbean…)
pasta of choice (ditalini or shells work well!) *
boiled water *
2 stock cubes (chicken or vegetable) *
mozzarella or parmesan cheese for topping
heat some olive oil in a large pot. once warm, add your diced onion and garlic. combine with your chosen herbs and spices, and stir on medium heat until soft.
chuck in your diced vegetables to soften. for me, carrot and celery are a must! you could also add potato, green beans etc. let these sit in there with the lid closed for about 5 minutes.
add in your chopped tomatoes (and the juice) from the can. rinse and add in your beans. stir all and leave on a low heat while you make your broth.
measure 4 cups of boiling water and mix in your stock cubes. once fully dissolved, pour this into your pot and let everything simmer with the lid on on a low-medium heat for around 20 minutes.
lastly, add in your pasta. I eyeball this (and usually add a lot…), but 3/4 will do fine! let it cook in the broth for about 10 minutes, or until cooked through.
serve with mozzarella or grated parmesan (optional)!
Thank you to anyone who’s reading this week! I can’t promise I’ll be punctual next time, but I just about fit this one in before the first week of December begins! I hope everybody is enjoying the Christmas build up if you celebrate, and whether you are or not, enjoy time with loved ones :) I have a few alien in London drafts coming your way, and if you haven’t seen already, a YouTube channel up in the making! Here’s to more emotionally vulnerable confessions and online diaries in mp4 form!!! As if you need any more of that from me…
All the love, aliens ;)
